June 21st 2012

I remember knowing. I was walking around Saint Anthony's High School in my plaid pleated skirt and short sleeve button down, waiting for my mom, who was not supposed to be the person picking me up from my chemistry regents, she should've been at work... But she had called me and said that we were going to grandma's, a bell went off, both Jennifer and Marissa were admitted to LIJ and had been for weeks so the house was pretty much vacant, we should've been going to the hospital if we were going anywhere...
It added up and I knew. I'm not sure why I knew because Marissa was supposed to be getting better. She had been moved to the ICU and she had been intubated but this was to my understanding all so that her body could rest and she could get better. I had done the research, the median life expectancy was 37, Marissa was 27, I thought I had at least 10 more years.
My mom pulled into the Dunkin Donuts parking lot at the end of my Grandma's block, she parked the car and said to me; first, that she was so terribly sorry and then, that Marissa had not made it. I think I smiled and may have even laughed before I cried. I knew for the whole car ride, I knew while I was waiting at school, but now that it was real, now that it was said I just couldn't believe it. Not my Marissa. The first person I saw when I walked in the house was Jen, she was sitting at the dining room table, the home care nurse was there setting up her IVs and making sure she had everything she needed. Before I could say anything I was pulled into my Aunt Kathy's lap and I can still feel her tears soaking through the shoulder of my school uniform. 

I don't think that it actually hit me until we got home that night, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop crying, my heart wouldn't stop pounding. I wandered downstairs and ended up watching Barney re-runs from 3 am until 8 am, comfort food I guess. I remember thinking how will we make it through this, how will I make it through the funeral without her? When my Grandpa died, she held me up, she helped me write my letter to him and even placed it in his casket when I was too scared. She made sure I was alright, found ways to make me giggle, and helped my ten year old self to understand the loss our family was experiencing. But for the loss of Marissa and later the loss of Jennifer, there is no understanding, there is no explanation that can heal our broken hearts or can mend the wounds we feel from the loss of such beautiful young women. What we can do is remember and honor their lives and their spirits which shined through every smile, every laugh, and every hug. 6 years have gone by and I can barely believe it, I would give anything in the world to change it. 

To my Marissa, you are still my drive to succeed, you are still the one I think of when I need advice, and I am still your mini-me. I remember knowing, that you had left us, but more importantly I remember knowing that you had done so on your own terms, that you had been happy with all that you had accomplished, and that you had left a significant legacy behind you. I remember, now and always, your smile, your laugh, your hugs, your always pedicured toes, your willingness to befriend, and your never ending love.

Your memory is my hope.