Christmas Spirit

In particular Christmas fashion I'm attempting to practice kindness especially with those who lost that sentiment a long time ago. I'm attempting to accept differences and move past the fact that there are some people in my life who are there by force rather than by choice. I'm trying to reconcile that with the two empty chairs at our table, missing the people I have loved the most. But more importantly I'm realizing that regardless of the loss and pain my family and I have endured, we are, and I am blessed.

I was blessed with two beautiful souls who loved me with all their hearts, I am blessed with my grandmother, an 86 year old Irish immigrant who's spirit and spunk is never ending and who's love knows no bounds, I am blessed with an Aunt and Uncle who wake up and face the world with such pain on their shoulders but so much more love in their hearts, I am blessed to have a sister who's compassion is endless, and I am blessed with a fierce mother who fights not only her battles but the challenges of others with peace, kindness, and love.

I am blessed with true friendship, with support and encouragement, with belief and inspiration, and with love. And with all of that who could ask for more.

Not everyone has all they could ask for but everyone deserves a little love, a little kindness, a little compassion, and a little Christmas spirit.

Merry Christmas! ox

The Deep Exhale Jar

For my birthday two years ago a very wise man made me "a deep exhale jar", a jar to deposit small change ranging from a penny to a quarter depending on the level of deep exhale. A bizarre gift, yes, one that made perfect sense, definitely. Ian had noticed a tendency that I had to sigh, very often, these sighs would have been alright, had they been productive, had I recognized them, and processed the stress that was causing them. But I wasn't.

The deep exhale jar was the inspiration for the title of my blog, "the sigh that blew me forward." Yes, these are lyrics from one of my favorite Florence and the Machine songs, Between Two Lungs, but it felt fitting as a title because I wanted my sighs to mean something, I wanted them to serve their real purpose of release. I didn't take full advantage of the deep exhale jar, instead it served as storage for our duds and suds coins but I'm beginning to rethink it's purpose. Too often we ignore our bodies response to the stresses and anxieties we encounter daily. I hadn't noticed my sighing until Ian pointed it out, but two years later I am very conscious of my deep exhales and can recognize when I need to step back and take a minute for myself. That doesn't necessarily mean that I do it but it's a start. It's easy for us not to be conscious of this, but we need to recognize it and we need to unwind. 

We all need a deep exhale jar. We all need to take a second, recognize what is weighing us down and then put a little something away for the future for all the deep exhales we let out in our present. I've made the decision to take some time to dedicate a little something to myself for what ever is trying to escape through my sighs, whether it's a crossword scratch off, cream instead of skim in my coffee, a yoga class, or a walk around the block, something small that I'm dedicating to myself. We all, at least, deserve to do something small for our selves.  

on not giving up

This blog has been calling my name for the past few weeks as work and life has been stressful as ever… And knowing that my work load is doubling on Monday has had me dreading tomorrow at 8am since before I even left the office on Friday. So, all the more reason I need to remind myself of why I created this blog in the first place, to serve as a release and as a place for exploration of feelings. 

This job is most definitely excellent preparation for my future nursing career and I know that the experience I’m gaining now. On one hand I have 14 hour days, realizing at 3pm that you didn’t eat your breakfast yet, running (yes, literally) through the office to give report on the 3 patients I’ve interviewed in the last 20 minutes, having 6 phone calls to return 34 unopened emails 4 patients ready in exam rooms and 2 drug reps in the waiting room, having great expectations that are often let down, trying your hardest and getting an F you in return. On the other hand I have incredibly rewarding and fulfilling conversations with some of the strongest and bravest individuals on this earth, thank you calls and text messages that warm my heart, and the opportunity to provide companionship when it’s missing and needed. I am so happy that I have this job and that I decided to take the year to do this, but I am wishing I had more time for patient care, for learning and teaching, and for providing compassion. It’s a draining position to be in to want to do everything in your power to help make everyone’s situation just a little better, a little easier. It’s draining, to the point of tears, after hours of phone calls, effort, energy, belief in and hope for an individual, to be let down, to be given up on and to witness someone give up on themselves. Sometimes, particularly in moments like that, I forget that the feeling and desire to help is powered by optimism and hope. I think we all need to remind ourselves of that and choose not to give up. 

 I get told, fairly often, that I can’t save the world. Well, I know that, but that will never stop me from trying with all that I have, it’s who I am, and I refuse to lose sight of that. 

So in preparation for the coming week and more so as a new mantra, I am reminding myself that I am not someone who gives up. No matter what.