Welcome. Good Luck. Rest Now. Study Hard.
Those were the most common phrases being thrown around at my Baccalaureate Accelerated Track Nursing Orientation last Thursday. All of the faculty continually warned about resting now because you won't have time later and they weren't kidding. Just reading through the syllabi is a challenge and trying to fit all of the readings and assignments on to my calendar never mind in to my life is already proving difficult. BUT wahoo! I am going to bust my butt for this year and I already know that it will fly by and then I'M GOING TO BE A NURSE! Today was our first day of classes and lab. Not even 5 minutes in to my pathophysiology lecture I had this, oh my freaking gosh moment, after the professor said, "the patients you'll be taking care of as a nurse will be..." and in my head it was finally real, I'm going to be a nurse. I was signed off to make a bed with proper mitered corners, no wrinkles or creases to prevent pressure ulcers and to improve aesthetic, and then of course on proper medial aseptic hand washing technique.
So it's real, I'm here, it's started. I can tuck you in with clean hands and I am on my way to becoming a nurse. 12 months to Bridget Quinn, RN, it will be a hell of a ride.
I woke up this morning to a number of posts on FaceBook relating to this video on UpWorthy and when I got the chance to watch it I was honestly blown away. Zach Sobiech is a 17 year old young man who passed away yesterday on May 20th, 2013 after living with terminal cancer since the age of 14. In this documentary he speaks of finding closure, of finding peace and he advocates for everyone to pursue one thing, to try and make people happier. What a lesson to learn and to teach in 17 years on this planet. There is such beauty captured in this 22 minute video, that I can only imagine what life was really like living with Zach as a brother, as a boyfriend, as a son, as a friend, how much of a presence he had in their lives and how much he left behind to help fill the void in absence.
I am left thinking about living life despite death and it is allowing me to reflect on a few of the more difficult moments during the past year and on a message I hope I have left behind. Too often we see things as black or white, as life or death. And I personally think that the choice is not between life or death, but is about life despite death, whatever that means for each individual. My frame of reference at this point in my life is cystic fibrosis, it is as many of you know, a chronic and life-limiting disease and just as in many other chronic diseases there comes a choice in end-stage disease to pursue more aggressive treatments or to (for lack of a better term) focus on quality of life. For Zach, who suffered from osteosarcoma, he had an option for surgery but this would have meant losing his leg and half of his pelvis and he would be left not even able to sit up, so his mother said at that point we began to focus on quality of life. In cystic fibrosis end stage disease leaves most individuals with the option to pursue lung transplant and too often I've heard that this is a choice between life and death. Too often I've heard if you want to life you have to get a transplant. I don't believe that. I believe more than anything that what you chose to do with your time and your body at any point in life, but particularly when suffering in end-stage disease, is a deeply personal decision, that perhaps no one but that individual can fully understand. It is not a flip of a coin decision, it is not for most an obvious decision either. My cousin Marissa, in her death, taught me one of the greatest lessons I think I will ever learn particularly for what I want to do with my life. Marissa was 27 years old when she died of complications from cystic fibrosis, she didn't choose lung transplant, instead she chose life despite death. And when she died, she was able to say that she had done more than she thought she ever would, and that she was happy. I only hope that we can all feel that on our death beds. Choosing lung transplant for many also means choosing life despite death, it can mean an opportunity to pursue bigger and better dreams, to do things you never thought you would be able to, or to spend more time with loved ones. In either case, in all cases, there is no right or wrong decision, and there is no choosing life or death.
Zach Sobiech's story teaches us, to live your life as you want it, live it with love, with a smile, and with the goal of making someone happier, maybe that someone is yourself, maybe it's a stranger on the bus, maybe it's a floor of hospital patients, or maybe it is your loved ones.
This young man's life is a testament to the human race and what individuals are capable of. Zach Sobiech, his friends and family, are an example of unconditional love, and a lesson on compassionate support and honest communication. His words and music, his life and story are a demonstration of empathy, love and beauty. I thank him for sharing his journey with the world. And believe that having heard his story will surely make all of us better people.
Today marks the end of a chapter of my life, my role as the research coordinator for the adult cystic fibrosis center has ended and my role as nursing student will begin in just a few short days. It's hard to believe and it has been quite the journey.
These past ten months represent some of the hardest work I have ever done. I have been certified for sweat testing, study specific spirometry, coordinated over 9 clinical trials, and processed hundreds of sputum and lab samples. I have worked with over 100 patients, each one with a story of their own, I've coordinated home care for IV infusions and hospital admissions, I've located emergency housing and hand delivered medications during hurricane Sandy, I've answered 10pm, 3am, and 7am text messages, and put in 14 hour days. I've witnessed the death of a beautiful young woman and supported two families through the deaths of their loved ones. I've counseled on the tremendous decision of lung transplant and been a patient advocate and ally. I've published three abstracts, been part of a national quality improvement initiative, worked as an interdisciplinary team member, and have my work to improve end of life care for cystic fibrosis is being presented at two international meetings. I have listened without judgement and provided compassionate care. And somewhere along the way I have convinced all of my colleagues as well as myself that I am going to be a great nurse.
I can't find the words for what it meant to work in the clinic where Jennifer and Marissa were treated, side by side with their care team, and in the very hospital rooms where they took their last breaths. I can't describe the feeling I had when I first walked in to that clinic in the summer of 2011 or the feeling I had walking out today. What I can say is that this experience has certainly changed my life, and will forever be a part of the way I practice as a nurse.
I don't think I will ever be able to express what an absolute honor and privilege it is to care for an individual with cystic fibrosis. I thank Jennifer and Marissa for their lives and love, for the strength they have given me particularly throughout this past year and I thank them from the very bottom of my heart for introducing me to this beast of a disease and to the incredible people that live and thrive with it and despite it every day.
So as this chapter comes to a close, a new one begins. And 12 months from now I will be graduating with a Bachelor's of Science in Nursing.
