1 in 4

People often say everything happens for a reason, it’s not a phrase that I latch on to frequently but today someone said it to me, and I have to agree. This weekend Ian and I are traveling to Long Island so that I can complete my Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network volunteer training, this is something that I started 3 years ago and this weekend is the final in-person training before I start volunteering on the online hotline. This evening I had the sexual assault in-service for my New York State Rape Crisis Counselor certification class. And last night I had a professor tell me that “people are raped because of their bad karma.” Everything happens for a reason?

I should begin by explaining the setting of this class, it is a spirituality and healing course which is teaching a very alternative approach to medicine. Last night’s discussion focused on karma exchange between individuals that have sexual intercourse. Essentially the teaching in this school of thought is that bad karma is exchanged between sexual partners and therefore individuals should refrain from having sexual intercourse with more than one individual. My immediate thought was to ask what this school of thought thinks about victims of sexual assault and rape, what happens with the karma there, how can it be that bad karma is exchanged when it was not your choice to have intercourse, etc. I didn’t ask this question, and I’m not sure what stopped me. As the class went on we began a focused healing and blessing meditation. The main focus of this meditation was forgiveness. Something that I struggle with, struggle may even be an understatement, but last night I had a kind of why not try it attitude. For those of you who have been reading my blog you know that there are many individuals that I could invite forward to sit down with me and offer them my forgiveness (this is all done in a visualization while meditating, not sure if I believe it, but I am trying to remain open to it) the first people that came to mind, like my dad or even the doctor that I was so frustrated with, did not appear in front of me, instead the individual that raped me when I was 16 years old appeared. I was in shock a bit because consciously I hadn’t thought of this person and hadn’t called them to my field of vision, but there he was. The professor continued to lead the meditation, instructed us to offer unconditional forgiveness to this individual, to picture ourselves being freed of the painful situation, of moving past it, of ending this relationship essentially through forgiveness. When I heard the words free yourself of this situation my eyes began to tear and I felt this overwhelming sense of calm, I had never imagined being totally free of this pain, but for once I was thinking maybe I could be, and it was wonderful, just to think of it. When I got home I explained it to Ian that I have for so long felt trapped by this experience, but as the years have gone by and as I have begun to share my story, the chains have loosened up and I’ve been able to leave the jail cell that represents my rape, but still I feel a shackle around my ankle, that pulls at me every now and again, and to be free of that, would be incredible. Needless to say this felt like an absolutely amazing and powerful experience, which I am very grateful for, I even began to think that maybe this class wasn’t going to be just a bunch of crazy ideas that didn’t make any sense. 

As class ended I prepared myself to share this experience with the instructor. Myself and another student returned to her office for discussion and before I could say anything the other student asked that question, “what happens with the karma when someone is raped?” You will be shocked, as I was shocked by this instructor’s response, so be prepared, because I wasn’t. Her response was: “The real spiritual question here is, why do people get raped? You can’t understand rape if you don’t understand reincarnation, if you do than you know that there are no victims, only people that deserve to be raped. People who are raped have bad souls, they were most likely pimps or rapists themselves in past lives and now their bad karma has caused them to be incarnated as a woman so that they can experience rape.” 

I would love to tell you all that I just lost it, that I stood up, dug deep for my survivor voice and spat out every single statistic about rape and sexual assault and continued until she had really heard me and apologized for making such an obscene comment... but I didn’t I sat in my chair and waited until I could leave. When I got home, Ian knew that something was wrong and I said to him that I felt so incredibly uncomfortable. I broke down and cried, and then cried some more. I felt terrible, absolutely horrible. This woman who is a well-educated professor just told me that I was raped, that 1 in 4 American women are raped, because we are bad people. My skin is crawling just thinking about it. 

Tonight during my in-service I opted to share this experience as a way to emphasize the need for sensitivity to issues like fault and blame. The responses that I got were incredibly encouraging and opened my mind just a bit more. Someone told me, "everything happens for a reason, this happened to you last night and it is no coincidence that today's in-service is on sexual assault," another commented on "how fortunate I am to be this strong individual that has shared my story and has worked toward healing," but what about the many other individuals that statistically speaking are also in this course? What about the many individuals that have not shared their story, that are suffering in silence? What happens when they are told that people are raped because they have bad souls? It affected me so strongly, and I cannot imagine what it would have been like if I had taken this class 4 years ago. My peers encouraged me to say something to my instructor and after a bit of thinking this is the response I wrote: I wanted to share a personal experience with you after class and it was my intention to until a classmate asked about karma exchange among people who are raped. I have to stay that I felt shocked to hear the question as well as the response to: "the real spiritual question is why do people get raped?" I am a trained volunteer for the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network's online hotline and I am also currently in a certification program to be a New York State Rape Crisis Counselor. I have lived with my own rape for 5 almost 6 years, I have studied the literature on rape and sexual assault, I have participated in national conferences, a variety of trainings, and multiple survivor events and I can tell you people are not raped because they are good or because they are bad, people are a raped because a perpetrator feels a need to control and humiliate another individual. One of the most pervasive and offensive misconceptions about rape and sexual assault is that it is the victims fault. This misconception is extremely detrimental to victims, these are individuals that have been traumatized, they have had all of their control taken from them, and their bodies have been violated in the most personal way, to blame the victim, to have the victim feel that they did something wrong or that it is their fault, is inconceivable, yet incredibly common. And it is what I heard from you last night. Hearing that I was raped because I have bad karma, victimized me all over again and made me feel absolutely miserable. That said, I am fortunate because I have chosen to confront and share my experience, other individuals, in fact the majority of other victims are not as fortunate as I am, and to hear that they were raped because of their bad karma has the potential to be incredibly damaging. We are all free to have our own beliefs but there needs to be a level of respect and sensitivity for peoples experiences, particularly such personal and difficult experiences like this. 

What I want to convey by sharing this is just how important it is to be aware, to be kind, to be empathetic, and respectful of the different individuals we meet. I am 1 in 4 women who has experienced sexual assault in my lifetime and statistically speaking we all know individuals that have experienced sexual assault. Having that knowledge empowers us to be compassionate and respectful, to think before we speak, and to be supportive where ever we can. Being there, showing compassion, and leaving all assumptions aside has the power to make a difference, even if just for one person. 

Frustration and Inspiration

I want to comment on frustration and I want to try and inspire myself, with the next few paragraphs I write, to be better, to be calmer, and to have more hope. I wrote a few weeks ago about The Good Doctor and I feel that I need to return to that subject, particularly after my last post The War. I took a hiatus from blogging last week to have my wisdom teeth out, it was an experience, (since Ian and I were struck with a stomach bug the following day and spent all of Valentine's Day vomiting) but I am feeling much better and almost fully recovered, during this break I had another doctor's appointment with the good doctor, who turns out to be not so good. My feelings about this are simple, frustrated and sad. I left the office feeling miserable, having spoken to the doctor for less than 5 minutes, having the medical assistant ask me if I was still trying to lose that holiday weight, and having the lights in the waiting room turned off before I left the office. I came home and cried, and I would've loved to eat my feelings but I was still in the chipmunk stage post-wisdom teeth and was on essentially a liquid diet. The frustration I think comes from the excitement I had originally experienced, the thought and the hope that someone was going to take a special interest in me as a patient, and find a better plan, find a better way, to make me feel better. This doctor who told me 3 weeks ago that I was a difficult case because: 1. I have been treated so aggressively for so many years that the traditional clinical presentation will not be there, 2. all of my blood work comes back positive but my symptoms don't fit simply into any one category, and 3. aggressive medications have not alleviated chronic systemic symptoms, now essentially dismissed me from his office with a diagnosis of: classical and well controlled ankylosing spondylitis with every day "aches and pains". My description of my last "flare-up" led him to a quick 30 second lecture on how the normal population also experiences muscle soreness without having any type of auto-immune arthritis. He then examined my hands only, looked at them and said, "Yeah, there's no way you have rheumatoid arthritis, your fingers are fine." I feel so strange to say that, that statement made me angry, but he was completely contradicting what he had told me 3 weeks ago, which was that: I am not a patient who will present with classic clinical signs which for RA would be inflammation or deformity in my hands. I am a 21 year old patient who has been treated very aggressively for over 10 years, there is no way that you should expect to see that type of deformity after that, no one would take or prescribe these medications if that were the case! He has also chosen to dismiss all other symptoms involving other systems, like GI issues, or numbness, or my numerous positive blood tests. He recommended that I being to wean off of my weekly Humira because he feels that I am well-controlled. What he meant by wean was stop cold turkey because the prescription he wrote me was for bi-weekly injections. My next appointment which is in a whopping 3 months (which after a change in medication is a VERY long time) is not even with him but is with the physician assistant in the office, he didn't order any follow-up blood work, he didn't offer any referrals, there were no time for questions, and he will see me back again in 6 months. I may sound crazy, but all of that is just wrong.

So what does that mean? I can bitch and moan and whine and hate the health care system all that I want but none of that is going to make a difference for me. I can't rely on some miracle "good doctor" to show up and make things better. I certainly wish medicine worked that way (not only for me but for so many other people who experience similar and worse struggles than I do), but it doesn't. I wish that I hadn't been such a passive actor in my heath for such a long time that now it is so difficult to make appropriate changes, but what can I do except move forward? Hope is really one of my most favorite things and I am choosing to have hope in myself and to give myself an opportunity to feel better.

The War

Please bear with me for a moment of venting: I don’t know what to call the past 3 days in terms of how I’ve been feeling, I wouldn’t call it a flare even though all of my symptoms seem to be exacerbated, this just feels different. I can feel my body attacking itself, it’s a cellular rebellion and wars are breaking out all over my body. Abdominal pain and swelling (something I’ve lovingly named giant belly syndrome), hives, hot flashes, dry mouth, chills, unbearable flank pain, among other GI disturbances kept me up until 3am Friday morning. I slept a half hour on a half hour off for the rest of the night, I woke up still feeling ill, very groggy, and overall like I had been hit by a truck. I made it to an appointment on campus at 10am but couldn’t make through the rest of the errands I had planned. Headed home, tried to eat something and 20 minutes after my first bite, I was on the floor in tears curled up in a ball with the same issues from the night before. Add on difficulty breathing from pain at the base of my ribs, and I’m ready for a full-fledged panic attack. But for what? Why bother to panic? This is just how it goes. But you know what? It is just too much. After a nap, a few heat packs, and a hot shower, I was able to enjoy our weekly evening with friends. My energy was poor, my pain was lessened but still there, either way this flare or whatever it was seemed to have passed and I was grateful. Until around 5am when my hips and shoulder started burning. It felt like I had been sitting on the hardest and hottest surface in the world for way too long, except I had been in bed for hours. My right shoulder was crunching and hot and tingling, I could feel the knot in my muscle pulsing between my neck and shoulder, pulling my head down and my shoulder up, my entire arm, into my fingers even is numb with pins and needles, and feels like it could explode. 6am, I am wincing and making a heat pack, there is no chance to get comfortable, or to rest. I want to run away from my own body. It’s now 7:30pm, my shoulder has not let up despite heat packs, a hot shower, and some expert massage therapy from Ian. My range of motion is limited and I’m exhausted. Pain has also gone to my lower back, to my right knee, and left ankle, and I can feel my muscles tensing up around my left shoulder. I want a break. I hate that this is consuming hours of my day. Moving, breathing, eating, sitting, standing, walking, laying down even, seem like challenges. And I could just about lose my mind. It’s not that I’m tired, it’s not that my muscles are sore, or that I have some achy joints.  It’s that I am exhausted and overwhelmed! It’s that it feels like my muscles have been chopped up with sharp, hot knives, and that someone is digging into them and twisting and pulling them off of my bones! It’s that my bones feel like they are breaking, like they are being crushed with a mallet from the inside out. So now I’m on the couch with a heat pack on my shoulder, and ice on my thigh in preparation for my weekly Humira injection, my eyes are tearing all on their own because I am just so tired of being so sick and tired. 

I am so relieved that I don’t feel like this everyday, I know that this could be so much worse, but right now I am begging for a break, for a moment where my mind and body can be still and I can breathe without pain.