Earlier this week I had this how did I get here and what did I miss along the way feeling? Fairly usual Tuesday, working away at Macy's with some particularly cranky customer's and a number of high schooler's shopping for prom. I think I may have been over tired but I stopped for a second and thought did I go to prom... did I even go to high school? Well of course I did, but I don't remember ever being a high schooler who felt care free and went shopping for earrings on a Tuesday. Is that a bad thing? Probably not, but it led me to think about a link a friend posted a while ago on the top 5 regrets of the dying. This short article is about a book written by an Australian palliative nurse who counseled and interviewed patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives, she compiled the most common regrets that were expressed by her patients...
First on the list, "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."
Second, "I wish I hadn't worked so hard."
Third, "I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."
Fourth, "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."
And fifth, "I wish I had let myself be happier."
This is quite powerful information, if we can identify what most individuals wish they had done differently than maybe we can live more fulfilled lives. When I first read this article, I felt a bit of weight because I was having these regrets already. But looking back at it know and recognizing the conscious decision I made at the beginning of this year to better myself, to work at decreasing my stress level, and to generally improve my well-being, I feel a bit of a release.
I have always tried to remain true to myself and to live the life I want to live, but things can get cloudy when there are many expectations hanging over you. My decision to pursue nursing is my decision alone, it's one that even surprised me but it is one that I am so incredibly excited about.
I am glad for and proud of the work that I put in to the past 4 years, I sometimes worry that it all sped by and that maybe I should've gone to a few more frat parties instead of working a part-time job and overloading my schedule every semester but my hard work has paid off and I know that there will be a time where I can slow down and enjoy all that's happening around me.
For the longest time I held a strong front and did not allow my feelings to interfere with any of my work or routine but I am beginning to accept the importance of recognizing my own feelings and sharing my experience to ensure that my needs are being met and that my boundaries aren't being crossed.
I do wish I had stayed in touch with my friends, my friendships are certainly something that has suffered when my time was devoted to other things. But recognizing that and making a conscious effort to sustain relationships is something I look forward to working on.
I am in a happy place, I am incredibly proud of myself for all that I have accomplished thus far on so many levels, academically, professionally, personally, and I am so looking forward to living happy, being happy, breathing happy, and just soaking it all up. Happiness has been a challenge, since the time I was 14 someone was always incredibly ill, or actively dying, or driving drunk, or threatening suicide, or getting arrested, it didn't leave much room for happiness and it left me living in survival mode. There is little room for happiness when you are living like that and it has always been a struggle to get excited for the good, something I'd have to force myself to do. Now it feels like something I am learning to do, and I've decided to make room for happiness.
Knowing this now and appreciating the insight that dying individuals give, opens up the doors of change and gives me even more drive for success, which may be measured in the regrets I no longer have.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
time flys when you're having fun
Oh wow! It's been way too long since I've posted on here... forgive this speedy summary of the past few weeks :)
After addressing my concerns with my original Spirituality and Healing professor with the university ombudswoman I was sent to the Dean of the School of Nursing who was appalled by the comments that had been made about victims of all kind and was concerned with the content of the course as a whole. I was so nervous for this meeting and felt like I was embarking on a crusade or something of the sort, but I was met with kindness and compassion, I shouldn't have expected anything less from a nurse. She was so warm and accommodating and set me up with a life changing independent study with an incredible palliative nurse, Maureen, who will surely be a resource for many years to come. Maureen has introduced me to so many influential people in the palliative care world and has taught me the philosophy of palliative care in such a significant way. She is one of those people that chooses to place themselves among the dying, that facilitates a good death whatever that is for whoever it is because she knows the power of it.
Being a witness to my cousin Jennifer's death and being fortunate enough to hold her hand as she passed away is a pinpoint moment that significantly changed my life. I cannot describe that moment with any other words than absolutely beautiful and filled with love. I recently sat in on a hospice board meetings and heard so many people describe their best death experiences, most of which touched on the fact that there was a deeper sense of self when you entered the room, you were interacting with this individual on a uniquely spiritual level and there are just some things about it that you can't explain. I truly felt that with Jennifer and I am so grateful for that experience. It was such an incredibly positive experience and it's what opened me up to the advanced care planning project I worked on at LIJ and what led me to take the initial spirituality and healing course in the first place.
Working with Maureen has really been incredible, I'm sure I've said that already and I'll probably say it again. Our meetings started out as 1 hour, quickly turned to 2 hours, then to 3, and then to 4. It was overwhelming at times but I have to say I just wanted more time, there was so much to learn and I wanted to get it all! I was able to sit in on her undergraduate palliative nursing course and she even had me give a surprise guest lecture on end of life issues in cystic fibrosis. She has introduced me to the director of accelerated track nursing program and already has ideas in her head about where my clinicals will be when I return here as a nursing student. And on Thursday she is introducing me to the application reviewer for the program. It's really been an absolutely wonderful experience and has me even more excited to begin my nursing journey.
After completing my supervised hours on RAINN's OHL I became an official trained volunteer with my own schedule and everything and I am loving it! I'm practicing compassion and empathy, it's what I live and breathe. I have such immense respect for the individuals who have found the strength to reach out and seek the help or the answers that they need and I am so glad that I get to play a role, no matter how small, in their journey and their recovery. Since starting I've had a number of visitor's thank me and tell me that they wished they could give me a big hug, and that "I seriously just changed their life". Does it get any better than that?
Two weeks ago I gave my final presentation and handed in my final paper for my master's before completing my exit interview the next morning, where my conferral of degree was signed! I had hoped I'd make it here despite the many set backs that illness, death, and all the stress in between brought in but to really have done it, to be finished with my Master's Degree at 22, feel pretty damn awesome.
Oh and I've also been working at Macy's (it pays the rent and offers a nice discount to stock up on work clothes for my future), recently moved into fine jewelry, (yay commission and diamonds and sapphires and emeralds and rubies oh my!) it's a funny place, but has really been a pleasure to work at. I'm a bit surprised myself. This morning I opened for fine jewelry all by myself for the first time, which involves coming in an hour early unlocking safes, putting jewelry out and counting it all and logging it all in time for the morning meeting. Afterwards, one the funny and gossipy and slightly crazy fine jewelry ladies gave me a little Macy's Magic card that said, "Great job opening!!! Welcome to the team, you will do great!" It's the little things, that make the difference.
It's been a lot to juggle between volunteer hours for RAINN and Crime Victims, finishing final assignments for my master's, working one on one with Maureen, and being a pretty much full time employee at Macy's, but it's all worth it in the end and I really am at my best when I'm busy.
After addressing my concerns with my original Spirituality and Healing professor with the university ombudswoman I was sent to the Dean of the School of Nursing who was appalled by the comments that had been made about victims of all kind and was concerned with the content of the course as a whole. I was so nervous for this meeting and felt like I was embarking on a crusade or something of the sort, but I was met with kindness and compassion, I shouldn't have expected anything less from a nurse. She was so warm and accommodating and set me up with a life changing independent study with an incredible palliative nurse, Maureen, who will surely be a resource for many years to come. Maureen has introduced me to so many influential people in the palliative care world and has taught me the philosophy of palliative care in such a significant way. She is one of those people that chooses to place themselves among the dying, that facilitates a good death whatever that is for whoever it is because she knows the power of it.
Being a witness to my cousin Jennifer's death and being fortunate enough to hold her hand as she passed away is a pinpoint moment that significantly changed my life. I cannot describe that moment with any other words than absolutely beautiful and filled with love. I recently sat in on a hospice board meetings and heard so many people describe their best death experiences, most of which touched on the fact that there was a deeper sense of self when you entered the room, you were interacting with this individual on a uniquely spiritual level and there are just some things about it that you can't explain. I truly felt that with Jennifer and I am so grateful for that experience. It was such an incredibly positive experience and it's what opened me up to the advanced care planning project I worked on at LIJ and what led me to take the initial spirituality and healing course in the first place.
Working with Maureen has really been incredible, I'm sure I've said that already and I'll probably say it again. Our meetings started out as 1 hour, quickly turned to 2 hours, then to 3, and then to 4. It was overwhelming at times but I have to say I just wanted more time, there was so much to learn and I wanted to get it all! I was able to sit in on her undergraduate palliative nursing course and she even had me give a surprise guest lecture on end of life issues in cystic fibrosis. She has introduced me to the director of accelerated track nursing program and already has ideas in her head about where my clinicals will be when I return here as a nursing student. And on Thursday she is introducing me to the application reviewer for the program. It's really been an absolutely wonderful experience and has me even more excited to begin my nursing journey.
After completing my supervised hours on RAINN's OHL I became an official trained volunteer with my own schedule and everything and I am loving it! I'm practicing compassion and empathy, it's what I live and breathe. I have such immense respect for the individuals who have found the strength to reach out and seek the help or the answers that they need and I am so glad that I get to play a role, no matter how small, in their journey and their recovery. Since starting I've had a number of visitor's thank me and tell me that they wished they could give me a big hug, and that "I seriously just changed their life". Does it get any better than that?
Two weeks ago I gave my final presentation and handed in my final paper for my master's before completing my exit interview the next morning, where my conferral of degree was signed! I had hoped I'd make it here despite the many set backs that illness, death, and all the stress in between brought in but to really have done it, to be finished with my Master's Degree at 22, feel pretty damn awesome.
Oh and I've also been working at Macy's (it pays the rent and offers a nice discount to stock up on work clothes for my future), recently moved into fine jewelry, (yay commission and diamonds and sapphires and emeralds and rubies oh my!) it's a funny place, but has really been a pleasure to work at. I'm a bit surprised myself. This morning I opened for fine jewelry all by myself for the first time, which involves coming in an hour early unlocking safes, putting jewelry out and counting it all and logging it all in time for the morning meeting. Afterwards, one the funny and gossipy and slightly crazy fine jewelry ladies gave me a little Macy's Magic card that said, "Great job opening!!! Welcome to the team, you will do great!" It's the little things, that make the difference.
It's been a lot to juggle between volunteer hours for RAINN and Crime Victims, finishing final assignments for my master's, working one on one with Maureen, and being a pretty much full time employee at Macy's, but it's all worth it in the end and I really am at my best when I'm busy.
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